I know this has been a hotly debated topic in some circles, but as the deadline of the departure from my job grows nearer, I have been thinking about the dilemma many moms face these days--whether to work outside the home or stay at home with the kids. I have done both, and it certainly gets harder with each child. I loved teaching, but when I had my son, I was ready to stay home and grow a family. For the first 3 years I continued teaching and taking care of the family. With DH in graduate school, I had a lot on my plate, but I was able to do it reasonably. Then came the RA, sucking the energy right out of every cell in my body. Then came my daughter. At this point I gave up the job and in no time we were living on the poverty line until DH finished the Ph.D. and got his first professorship.

I've been writing and editing from home for the past 6 years and doing my best to take care of the home and family. I enjoy all of this. But of course there's the financial cost--no measurable second income. I went back to work to give my kids a better education (private school tuition--whew!). But, as a friend put it so well, the stress of it all has awakened the sleeping giant (RA) and I just can't continue. If I work, I have nothing left for my family at the end of the day, and I mean nothing.

But even without the disease, it's a hard choice to stay at home or go to work. I have always been a worker. I know it's not the same for everyone, but I always felt I had to work to be worth anything. Yes, this statement would offend many people. Blame it on my rotten childhood.

But now I see what a huge impact I have on my family. If I'm unhappy or stressed or exhausted, the whole family really suffers. (We won't even talk about the 6-foot dust bunnies crouching under the furniture!) This family needs me to hold it together, especially now. I just wish I could do it all--work and contribute some income and manage the house and the emotional needs of my family. But I can't. I am choosing to be that mom who can drop everything and run to collect a sick child at school or race around to this appointment or that one or just be available to bring the snack in on Tuesday. (as long as my own health cooperates, anyway.)

My writing feeds my soul, and I've been starving since I went back to teaching. Taking care of my family fills my heart, and I haven't been able to do that since I started teaching. It's interesting that we have to weigh everything with a completely different set of scales when we become parents. I love being a mom. I love writing. I love teaching. I can't do it all.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud, here. It's just interesting that I long for those things that my mother so freely abandonned. She didn't want to take us to the doctor or come to our basketball games or cook deeply satisfying meals. She had a career that she clearly chose first. If that sounds bitter, it is. But my choice is about more than doing a better job than my mother. It's about doing the job, period. Being a mom is a huge career, full of meetings and schedules and presentations and negotiations. How can anyone be expected to do all of that in two different place--at home and at the office?

Some people can, and at one point I was able to do it pretty well. But other factors have now forced me to truly make a choice. And I've made it. With a full and glad heart, I have chosen my path.

Time to Retreat...

I don't know how many drafts of the synopsis I've written and trashed, but I give up! After writing and re-writing whole new drafts of the blasted thing, I've gone back to my original and I'm just going to send it in to Blooming Tree Press, the mess that it is. I just can't look at it anymore. The holiday has fed my belly well, but my creativity is a little dry right now. Probably from all the stress of the job/health crisis and making the final decisions.

Anyway, I'm rambling in chaos now, but I will send off my little chapter and synopsis and just hope the editors can see something worth having in there. What I really want to do right now is read. Just dive into the stack of YA books I haven't read yet and get lost for a while. But it will have to wait until after Christmas.

I am leaving my job at that time, but my DH will also be preparing to leave his as he heads to MLA for some interviews (we hope!) In the meantime, my health is still rough and I'm hoping Christmas will bring some sorely needed rest and better blood test results. (RA stinks!)

Shake it all off...good thoughts, now!

That Dreaded Synopsis Business...Again!

With my latest YA novel on the desk of my favorite editor, who is swamped for the time being, I've decided to throw my first YA back into the mix and submit it to the Blooming Tree Press open call. But there it is again--the synopsis question. I've revised the first chapter again and now I have to get that dreaded synopsis worked out before I can press the "send" button. I've read a number of suggestions (and I'll take more) but am still eluded by that "magic formula."

I've quoted a tidbit from the first chapter to introduce the primary question of the plot. But now what? I find myself wanting either to spill all the details or hold back too much. How do I find that happy medium? What does an editor really want to see?

I've marked today for answering that question. So off I go to tap my way to enlightenment on my laptop.

Here's hoping I find it.

Birthday thoughts...

So it is, indeed, my birthday. I'm not afraid to admit my age--43. And despite the drama of the past several weeks, I feel tremendously blessed. One of my dearest blessings, apart from the unfathomable joy of my children and the love of my man, is a particular friendship that started almost the instant we moved to Pennsylvania. I met Lee on Connor's first day of kindergarten. She had a baby on her hip as she was ushering her 5-year-old into the classroom for the first time, same as me. Our children were the same age, and Lee and I were of the same heart--full of artistic drive and passion for our children and the gifts this life has to offer--even though she stands about a foot taller than I.

She is an artist, an entrepenuer, a vivacious spirit who has untold depths of kindness and optimism. I am so thankful that I met her. She now manages an art gallery in town and is phenomenal at her job. But even more, she is a phenomenal friend. I have been lucky to have been blessed by a few such friends in my life. My oldest friend, Lisa Joy, and I have known each other since we were 9 years old, and we still talk as though we've never been apart, even if she does live 5 states away.

I guess what I mean to say is that on this day that I get to celebrate chance to be a part of this world, I am counting my blessings in friends. And I have met so many here on-line. You have given me strength, courage, inspiration, and lots and lots of hope. Not to mention a little faith in my own writing. So tonight, I will raise a glass to all of you and let my heart be glad of all that I do have at this moment.

Cheers!

Don't know much...

i'm not sure what to write today; I just feel the need to write. Autumn is finally blowing into town, bringing with it a drastic barometric plunge and blustery winds. Along with the wind, the personalities of my students have blown into the dust. Back to harsh tones and rude comments to each other. Where did our form go? More practice.

The date is drawing near when my family's fate is more officially sealed. I meet with the powers that be next Tuesday and explain my plans and trudge through all the muddy emotions that will make the next 6 weeks almost unbearable. Despite their lapse in manners, my students have become very dear to me. I harbor tremendous guilt either way, but I have to come down on the side of my family and my need to be an effective wife and mother, especially in this time of transition. My own family has got to come first.

On the brighter side of things, our prospects are looking more promising than we originally thought. The possibility of staying in East Pete are slim to none, but potential roosts include: Rochester, NY; Lewiston, Maine; Ashville, NC, Tuscon, AZ, a few spots in Virginia. Some of them may be a real blessing, especially Rochester, which is, after all, the setting of my masterpiece YA! Think of the added research possiblities for my next one!

Ok--bearing up. Ready to face it. (I think I can...I think I can...)

Waiting for a Storm--of Good News...

You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours..." Well it poured all over me this weekend. Bad news, that is. Not about the book, but about virutually everything else. Suffice it to say, our world could be changing dramatically over the next 7 months or so. I don't want to get into details here, but that change could include a move to a new city, though I am hoping that does not happen.

When I got the worst of the news, it was a very strange feeling. What I would imagine it is like when you are free-falling after jumping out of an airplane: hovering weightless over the clouds, all the breath snatched away from you for a moment, but no pain. Just being. Though this could be devastating, I think the change that is about to happen could be a very good thing, and I'm going to believe in that. It's really the only thing to do.

So, I know that I will not be teaching next year. I'm hoping that my book will be in the process of publication by fall. I'm praying that we will find our way to an excitingly good situation. I know this mess will all blow over, but I'm ready for a storm of good news to balance the typhoon of bad news we just encountered over the weekend.

There is no wisdom in this post, just endless hope.

Let it rain...

A Knock-Out Saturday!

Halleluia! SCBWI-EPA held their annual Fall Philly Conference today, and it was fabulous! Just what I needed. Dianne Ochiltree gave a wonderful presentation on developing a picture book with punch, agent Stephen Barabara shared his wit and wisdom on the 7 Habits of Effective Writers, Joyce Moyer Hostetter showed us the STEPS to writing historical fiction, and Laurie Halse Anderson doled out a heaping helping of inspiration.

Boy did I need this day! Hats off to Laurie K.K and Marilyn H. and all the people who made it happen. Every topic hit the spot and fed my soul. I know how hard it is to put such a dynamic package together. And I wonder what other writers would like to see at a conference. Anybody have a topic they would like to explore?

It was great to meet some fellow blueboarders--hey Deena and Natisha and Jennifer! Saw more friends from the Poconos Retreat and met some new ones, too. The panel of editors offered some good clear advice, though I did not submit anything for critique (considering my fragile psyche these last few weeks, that's probably a good thing!).

I'll add more details later, but I'll leave this post with a thankful sigh and a bit of wisdom from Laurie Halse Anderson's DH: When Laurie injured herself this summer and could not run a race she was training, she was bummed and frustrated, as we would all be. Her DH told her, "The point is not to run that race; the point is to run the rest of your life."

AMEN

DYING TO START THE NEXT BOOK...

You all know that this transition back into teaching has been a tough one. I expected it to be very different from my previous experience, but I had no idea how draining it would be. I still don't know if I am cut out for this. I keep thinking they meant to call someone else...they pulled the wrong name from the pile. What did they see in me? There are good days when things come together and we all have fun together (my 14 students and I). But...

So the second part of my nervous breakdown...Am I going to lose my momentum? I want to start researching my next book, but frankly, I'm too exhausted to even get my own PJ's on in time for bed! I imagine that things will calm down soon and it won't be so overwhelming, but what if it doesn't? I feel as though I'm losing my grip on the writing world, which I have worked so hard to grab on to.

Of course I now begin the waiting game as well with my latest YA sitting on a desk at Philomel waiting to be judged. I know the editor is swamped, now, so my ill-fated dream of a faster response (because the sub was invited) are destined to ride the 4-month tidal wave of anticipation.

Anyone out there in blogland swimming in conflicting responsibilities and desires?

The WIP has left the building!

Yep, my rambling brat has officially hit the post and is on her way to New York. I finally put the last revision my baby, but it has taken me a week to get up enough energy to get the dang package in the mail. This teaching thing is killing me. I loved teaching at the college and teaching high school, but I'm not sure what's going to happen with this teaching 3rd grade stuff. Oi!

Anyway, I phoned ahead to the editor's assistant to let her know that the book was on its way. Why, might you ask, could I make such a call? Well, I was fortunate enough last summer to work with Patti Lee Gauch at the Chautauqua Writers Workshop, and she invited me to submit my MS and to call ahead so it would skip the slush pile. Of course I realize there are no guarantees, here, but at least I have a little encouragement and a spark of hope. This is my best work so far, and I really hope it finds a good home soon.

So...now my stomach will churn with spastic nerves as I worry whether I am doing irreparable damage to these poor 3rd graders as well as whether my book will be available on the shelves sometime in the next 2 years. All I really want to do is get started on the next book, but school is sucking every ounce of energy out of me for now. (but that's another story...)

Breath, MA, breath...

The Final Edit

I'm ready...at least I think I am. The last two weeks have been jammed full of teaching preparations while my two readers have worked their way through my finished manuscript, and now the time has come. Tomorrow I am dedicating the day to working through some edits. So far, I don't have anything major to work out, but a few transition points need more finesse.

Then my "rambling brat" shall be on her way to find a home, with any luck, at a reputable publishing house. I'll not call her the "ill-form'd offspring of my feeble brain" (though my thanks to Anne Bradstreet for the lovely imagery!) for the simple reason that I believe in her. This is the best bit of writing I've ever done. But I know there will be more. (okay...I HOPE there will be more!)

So I shall wash thy face once more, rub out the last defect apparent to mine own eye, though others are sure to find imperfections simply because they seek them. I shall send you out of doors well-loved and well-dressed.

God-speed.

--mom

Done, done, DONE!!!

I am finally done with my three weeks of hell. If anyone is considering taking an online course, don't think it's a cake walk. I knew it would not be a breeze, but taking 2 courses in three weeks was absolutely insane! But I finished my requirements and now I have to send everything to the state for my provisional license.

So I can finally see my family again. I can finally enjoy my daughter's whimsical rantings instead of screaming at her because I'm too frazzled about the next powerpoint presentation I have to come up with or the 400 pages I need to read by Friday. I can finally give my son (who looks more like my daughter right now!) a haircut!! And my hubby...well, he'll finally get a little attention, too.

And the book! DH is still reading (what's taking him so long?!), but I'm just about ready to send it out to Patti anyway. And today, I'm going out with the whole family for some hangin' out. One stop will be the pet store, where my son hopes to get a Robo Dwarf hamster.

Anyway...I'm baaaack!!

Pig Heaven

Well, I'm taking a breath just long enough to guide my little family through a tragedy. Today, our beloved guinea pig, Pogo, met her maker. She was almost 5 years old, and my son was just recently beginning to really bond with her. He had taken over some of the responsibilities, very happily, so he feels a little cheated as well as sad. My daughter first thought it was a curious thing, death... Then she realized she could get a little more attention if she keened like an old Irish waif, and then it just got away from her and she really cried. My son drew a picture memorizializing little Pogo, and he'll weep for a while, off and on.

DH dug the hole, and we had a grave-side service. Connor said a lovely prayer and Maisie told Pogo about her new build-a-bear toy she got in her happy meal and hoped that Pogo could have one in heaven. It was sweet, except for the police helicopter that kept buzzing overhead (still don't know what that was all about--maybe they thought we had dug up Jimmy Hoffa!).

I'm in the midst of a panic over finishing my classes, so I'm not sure if all my grief was bound for the little pig in the sky-blue sheet going to her final rest under our pine tree. I have about 4,000 words to write between now and Monday, so before I pull all my hair out, I'll end this sad little post.

Pray that I am still sane come Monday...and that I still have hair!

Quick Update...

I'm not a pessimist...just realistic. I did NOT win the synopsis contest. Oh, well. Now to send it to the editor I worked with last year. (At least I won't have to share my royalties!)

Coming Up for Air!

Whew! Week one down, two more to go. I think I've read 400 pages of educational theory in the last week, as well as developing a comprehensive lesson plan and creating a power point presentation and answered several discussion questions and written summaries, and logged into thread discussions 100 times...{{pant...pant}} Good news is...I got an "A" on my first big assignment. I know, that shouldn't matter, but I can't help it. I can't stand to do a job halfway.

Today, I went into my class room and painted...not the walls...lovely watercolor pictures. Well, mine wasn't so lovely, but it sure felt good. One of my new colleagues gave us a class on painting so we can figure out how to do it with our kids. I'm feeling better about it all the time, though I have a ton to do.

But I'm still smiling because my book is done! I'm about to plunge back into my studies. My DH left tonight for Vermont where he will be attending a conference with few other colleagues from the college. He won't be back until Sunday...blah! I just hope my kids can deal with a scatter-brained mama for the next 5 days. My 10-year-old can handle anything, but my 6-year-old might need a little more attention.

Now...deep breath...diving back in....

{{{ SPLASH }}}

Working through the Flu

Just stopping for a minute of air. On Tuesday, I started my courses--two intensive 3-credit courses in elementary methods--and along with the work came a stomach flu. I'm still not quite right, but I'm getting there. Spent most of Wednesday in the bathroom and most of the last three nights in fitful dreams and restless sleep. And the coursework...oi! It's a bit overwhelming, but I have no just but to plow on through.

Fond remnants of Harry Potter play in the back of my mind, just to keep me sane. And of course my own, now complete masterpiece!

Can We Say Productive?

What a weekend! So, I collected my sacred copy of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS at Midnight on Friday, immediately read 100 pages before hitting the sack. Got up early on Saturday and drove to my DH's office at the college to get some quality quiet so I could finish the last chapter of my own WIP and totally revamp my synopsis. Achieved that goal. (Wahoo!) Returned home in time to take the family out for some Mexican dinner (no cooking for me!). Read a couple of chapters of HP to my son before immersing myself in the rest of it while he dreamed little dreams of broomsticks and horcruxes.

Woke up on Sunday and started reading, taking a break to finalize the synopsis and email it and the first chapter back to the contest. DH took care of dinner (What a guy! Brought me tea and bickies, too!)

1:00am--FINISHED HARRY POTTER!

Thank you Jo Rowling. I am satisfied and sufficiently gratified.

So what did everyone else do this weekend?

IT'S DONE...IT'S DONE! I FINISHED IT!

My book is complete. Oh, how hard it is to say goodbye to these people who have lived in my head for so long. I see their faces. I hear their voices. Yes, I know I'll see them again--more revisions, in my dreams, on the shelf at the bookstore! The dead are buried and the living are on their way. And yes, people die in this book. But it's done!

Whew! Now I have to rework my synopsis and hope I don't drive myself completely insane with it. How do you crystalize 277 pages into 1 or 2 pages that still have that voice, still elicit such emotion? I have yet to discover the answer to that one. But I'll keep trying.

And don't worry...you'll find no spoilers for the Deathly Hallows here. My lips are sealed (on page 150 at this point!).

FTSSSSSSSSS....

That's the sound of the air being let out of my balloon. After collecting my dearly awaited copy of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS last night at midnight, I logged on to YAFiction to discover that the prize was not yet awarded--but there was a note! Apparently no one's synopsis really stood out, so the founder of the site has decided to extend the contest another 10 days to allow for revisions and more entries.

Nothing stood out?! Oh figs! I guess I have more work to do than I thought. So now, I have to finish my last chapter (only a couple of pages away!), revamp my synopsis, AND read Harry Potter over the next 3 days, before my course work gets started. Excuse me for a moment...

BLAHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay, I think I can handle it. I'll be back...

Harry Potter and the Secret of the Hopeful E-Mail...

So Friday should reveal a couple of nagging secrets that have haunted my dreams for the last 2 weeks! Yes, I will be in line at midnight to collect my pre-ordered copy of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. But before I march out into the darkness, I hope to have news of the YAFiction contest. We just got the post that the decision will be made and announced on Friday, July 20th. A few more days to hold my breath. In the meantime, I had a fabulous weekend with my revisions and am now standing on the threshold of true completion--well, at least of this draft! I am hoping to squeak out some time over the next couple of days to finish it up. Then I'll be truly ready for whatever comes next. Keep those fingers crossed just a little bit longer!

My New Passion--Archery!

Since I was a wee one, I have always wanted to try archery, but as far as my father was concerned, my Red Ryder BB gun was enough. So I spent my entire childhood deprived...well, that may seem a bit melodramatic, but to a kid, that was a big deal. Now that my son has spent a few cub scout meetings at the archery range, my husband has become obsessed and decided that with some of the extra money from teaching a summer course, he would satisfy his obsession and mine. He was thrilled when I told him I had always wanted to give it a go, and before we knew, both of us were well armed for the sport.

In my first outing, I shot I don't know how many arrows before I realized that a huge welt was growing on my forearm, a nice little token from my bow string slapping my arm. I was having so much fun that I never noticed my bursting blood vessels! A week later, I have a lovely green patch, still tinged with a delicate hint of purple, about the size of a kiwi. The solution? An arm guard.

Yesterday, we went out in the morning and shot for a while at a target in our back yard. It was my first adventure since we were outfitted at the shop last week, so my first shots were a bit erratic. Take a close look at that target...the purple arrow smack dab in the middle is mine! Bullseye!

Do you think Robin Hood has room for a Merry Maiden?