Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Well, It's All Hittin' the Fan, Now!

Yes, indeedy. Got a call last night regarding my certification and what 's required for the job I just got. Apparently, I needed Elementary certification, and of course, I have secondary certification. I don't have any elementary methods coursework, and that is what is necessary to even get the ball rolling. I wish I would have known that before, but everyone assumed that a license was a license. I've been a wreck. Spent most of last night crying over it, and even more so at my husband's disappointment that I won't fight through it. I just don't have it in me right now. I know my limitations. And while I think I can do a good job of it, I don't want to commit myself to a whole new life that will nix my writing and take me away from my family even more. More money is just not worth it. I want quality of life.

So, we're back to planning another year of scrimping to get by, trying to find ways to pay the bills and get at least my daughter in the private school. I can teach at the college. They still have classes open, though I may have less choice in the schedule. It's not much pay, but it would keep me open for other things. Since I went to the training last week, I have felt overwhelmed about the Waldorf job, afraid that I don't have it in me to meet their expectations and mine. Sure, everyone says, "Oh M.A., you'll be fabulous!" I know they mean well, and I believe they mean what they say, but I need comfort and validation of my emotions. My gut is trying to tell me something, and it has never been wrong.

So, here I stand--a disappointment to my DH, and an emotional wreck. He's trying to be supportive, and put away his own financial worries. Right now, I just need to plunge back into my manuscript and find myself again. That is where I need to live.


  1. Oh no...but MA, I believe this just means something better is going to come your way!

  2. Oh, that is so disappointing. You have every right to be upset. I would have assumed the same thing.

    But I agree with MR~ when one door closes, another opens.

    Hang in there! Keep us posted.

  3. :-(

    I agree with Leigh Ann and Dawnelle. This means something even better is right around the corner. :-D

  4. Thanks everybody. I'm still a wreck over all this. My DH is trying to understand why I would give up so much money and a new life just to teach a couple of college courses that will barely pay the tuition for our kids. I'm not sure I know what to do here at all.

    One moment, I think it's the right think to just call it quits so I can work on my writing. The next minute I think, "Well, I can do this job. And take the coursework--it's for my family..." But I gave up everything once before for the sake of the family and DH, who wanted to do his Ph.D. so he could have the life he wanted.

    Why is this so hard?! :-(

  5. Oh, I'm so sorry, Mary Ann. How long does it take to get the certification? I'm actually a little surprised that the people at the school didn't know this already.

    Follow your heart on this one.


  6. Thanks for the hugs, Linda. I cry about every half hour. DH is being really sweet and trying to be supportive no matter what I decide. I know he's still hoping I'll decide I can do it, but he's trying hard to be okay either way.

    Yes, they all regret not checking into the license thing before. They suggested doing online course through Phoenix University, but my stomach jumps just thinking about it. When I think about teaching at the college and working on my book, I feel good about it. But then I think about letting my family down by not bringing in the real money.

    Is it just a pipe dream to hope that my writing will take off? Am I destined just to publish the odd article and never be anything?

    {{{{{{{PRESSURE}}}}}}}} !!!!!!

    I feel as though my head is going to explode.

  7. I'm also sorry to hear this. I believe you already know what to do and that taking all that extra time to go through the process all over again wouldn't benefit you or your family; you would go into that job with a sour stomach about being there. How about while you are teaching some courses at the college do some freelance writing - I've heard that freelancing can come to fruition over a short period of time, especially if you get a good editor who keeps giving you the work.

    This would allow you to teach, work on your writing (nonfiction and fiction as well) and know that you are doing what you love to do. Because eventually the right thing or the best thing for you will happen along and you will be ready for it.

    If you believe this job is not worth the heartache, then don't take it - it's not your husband who can make you happy; it's you. Only you can make yourself happy (sure we can be happy with things bestowed upon us from others but to be truly happy, you have to follow your heart and make the best choice for you - not anyone else). He'll get over it eventually. Do what it is you need to do - be happy, everything will work out in the end - E :)

  8. Honestly, it sounds like you've already decided what you want. Don't let that decision shake your confidence. Be strong, be confident, be proud.

    And do what is going to make you happy. If there's one thing I know it's: If mamma ain't happy, ain't no one gonna be happy.

  9. Well, I'm still spinning. I have spent most of the day crying. One minute I'm sure I should just teach at the college and give up the money. The next, I'm thinking how can I let this all intimidate me? I am scared to death that I am investing a bunch of time into something that will swallow me up.

    At this moment, I am leaning towards sucking it up and doing the coursework online. Then teaching at the Waldorf school. Elysabeth, you're right that I will probably have a bit of a sour stomach over it all. But maybe I can just think about it one year at a time. No matter what I do, I'll feel guilty or resentful. Which one is better? I don't know.

  10. I'm learning not to kick open doors that have been closed - but in this case, you're door isn't completely closed. Maybe this is a moment to take a step of faith. Or, what about homeschool using the waldorf methods?
    There is a private school in Lancaster, Dayspring, that I'd love to send my kids too - but it has a huge tuition - one of the reasons I've decided to homeschool, is so I can offer my children that type of curriculum. The school is a little intense, so this way, we can take it at our own speed.


  11. Mary Ann, isn't the Waldorf School a private school? If so, the teachers don't have to have that state certification -- only is the teacher is working for a state run school. I know lots of uncertified teachers who work for private schools. My friend, Tracy, taught at a girls school in New Jersey and now at a private school in Racine, WI and she isn't certified.

    Is it that they just prefer you to be certified? Maybe a little more investigation into this? I just find it hard to believe that a private school would require certification.

    Anyhow, I'm sorry to hear this but don't let it get you down. Maybe you'll finally finish your novel and sell it.

    Keep that chin up!

  12. Hey everyone. Well, I'm slowly picking my chin up off the floor and moving forward. I just talked to the teacher I'm replacing, and she put my mind at a lot more ease than my spastic imagination was allowing.

    This is not going to be easy, but I should really give it a try before I give it up for good. There are a lot of positives to it, too.

    Stella, this is a private school, but it is licensed by the state, so it still has to adhere to some regulations. So, I have to get a "private school license" from the state (anything to put more money in the state's pocket!) The state does contribute a small amount for each student's supply costs.

    I don't know if this is PA's deal or a country-wide regulation, but there it is. In the long run, I think I will be glad to have the methods work on this level, because I've always taught people further along the spectrum of learning (HS and college). Here I will be setting the foundations.

    So...I think my mini-nervous breakdown is coming to a close. My DH has committed that if I hate it a year from now, he will be supportive if I want to quit.

    Thank you everyone for letting me vent and lean on you. You guys are the best!


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